Mercy Now

As I reflect back on the last week of my life I have traveled through a range of emotions. The emotions I'm feeling tonight are probably not the ones I wanted to talk about first, but so be it. For those of you who don't know, I suffered a heart attack last Thursday. I had a heart cath on Friday, but there was to much work to do, so we did it again on Monday! My 4 major arteries into the heart were basically blocked. This past Monday I received 6 stents in the heart to get the blood flowing again! I could say this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it might be true physically, and yet I can say perhaps it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has caused me to stop, stop running, stop multi-tasking, stop pretending I had it all together. You see God had a plan. Through this suffering He has gained my attention. Since I am ordered to "rest and recuperation" by my Doctor for 3-4 weeks, it has provided me some amazing time to listen. I am so thankful for the mercy God has shown me in sparing my life, and giving me more time, I pray to glorify Him. Three things at this point God has drawn my attention to, which I will try to flesh out more in the next few weeks.

    1. God uses suffering to help mold us more into His image.  As much as I dreaded suffering (especially physical), I can see so much positive about what has happened to me. Romans 5:3-5 is a verse I've used, taught, and spoken on, and yet for the first time I think I may be starting to truly understand suffering as it is used in this text.

    "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us"

So much more to say about this! I'll save it for the next post.

    2.  Prayer.  I just recently completed a two year journey focusing on spiritual transformation, with the Transforming Community led by Ruth Haley Barton. God spoke to me a number of times about intimacy with Him.  For some reason I didn't slow down enough to actually listen, and take in what the Alpha and Omega, the Truth and the Light, the creator of my soul was trying to say.  He loves me, He is chasing after intimacy with me.  He really loves me! I'm listening now, and that constant presence, and conversation with Him, I pray I will develop like never before.

    3.  Cynicism/Shame.  In conversation with God, I have become aware of my falling into the trap of cynicism.  I have been hurt so many times in my life. Hurt by those I most trusted. I don't think I can be hurt anymore.  So I haven't trusted anybody.  I have not trusted the goodwill of individuals or the goodwill of God.  Life has been hard, and I've become detached.  I don't remember the last time I really had true joy in my life.  I've learned not to feel, because when I was in touch with my feelings, I couldn't take the hurt, and I couldn't handle the emotions that came with feeling. So I've not allowed myself to feel anymore.  Somewhere in this whole mix is shame.  I know that shame plays some big role in my personality. I've started reading Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly" and I've found it so helpful.  All of this shame, and lack of vulnerability, I believe has so much to do with my past addictions.  Anyways this one may take some time to work through.

I am so glad that God has given me the chance to "come clean" with Him. That He hasn't given up on me.  I'm excited to see where this relationship will take me.  I'm scared to be vulnerable, and writing this blog makes me very vulnerable! I once again have come to the point in my life where I can do nothing but cry out to my Savior.  Abba Father, have mercy on me.

Two secular songs (don't be a hater) have helped me let out some emotions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT7NiFpJmvI Mary Gauthier sings of the mercy we all need.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT7NiFpJmvI I wish I would have posted this one first.  This is Jeff Buckley's version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" a hauntingly beautiful song, that when in my occasional bouts of depression, speaks deeply to me.  It is a "cold and broken world" but it is the reality of "fallen man".  We struggle in this world, and that's part of the fall, but I am so excited that God is perfecting me and preparing me for eternal joy with Him. If I only listened to one, it would be this one.