Well the Christmas holidays are officially over for me, as I dropped my daughter off at the airport in Grand Rapids for her return to Los Angeles. She will now complete her final semester at Biola. Seems strange that it was over five years ago that she first went to Biola. Today's parting of the ways though was especially emotional for me. I remember when I was younger, having to say good bye was so hard on me and now it seems I have returned to that emotional state as I have gotten old! I remember my Grandma and how emotional she was when anyone would go away for an extended period of time. Have I turned into Grandma Gilmore!? I wonder why am I balling my eyes out as I return to the truck and the two hour drive home. It was a wonderful holidays with all five (minus 1)of my children being here, and all together at different times over the last few weeks. I miss my children and to have them hanging out in their old bedrooms was pretty cool! They were of course as messy, and their rooms were as dirty as the "old days"! There was alot of pressure as my wife, their stepmother wasn't quite so sentimental about the mess. I wonder if this too is one of the consequences of divorce. I was regularly put in the middle to make sure the kids picked up after themselves. I wonder what it is like when kids who are not products of divorce and step families experience is. Do Momma and Daddy just sit around and enjoy the fact that their children are home! Or is it the same tensions of getting the kids to keep their rooms clean and pick up after themselves! Everytime the holidays are here I again sense the devastation of divorce. How it impacts our children and changes dramatically our lives. I so understand why "God hates divorce".
I guess as I reflect on why I am so emotional about each time they leave these days, I wonder if it has to do with the brevity of life. At this point I just know that every visit is so meaningful for me. It is my brief and last opportunities to try and build into their lives, to try and let them know how much I love them, and try to encourage them toward a meaningful life with Jesus. I don't know how much time I have left in this life, and certainly some of the most valuable things of this life are my children. I just really love them and want them to be okay. It probably stems somewhat from the fact that I am very self-critical of my stewardship of these gifts that God gave me. I should have done a better job parenting. I never understood before how incredibly hard it was to be a single parent. And especially with Tiffany, and Kyle, and certainly Madison who we have adopted, I won't be there for large portions of their life since I was older when they were born. I have to, as I should every thing, give them to the Father. Trust Him to take care of them. So every visit now is so valuable, and yet I worry how many more visits will I have with my kids. Pretty depressing stuff, perhaps the result of being in the third month of grey skies in Michigan!! Anyways, God thank you for my children, and may I show them your love which is perfect, every chance I can. May they forgive me for all the things I did wrong in raising them, and remember the really awesome times we had! This blog entry was actually written in December of 2012. I just realized it hadn't been published, and so I am doing so now!
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