Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Ponder the Path
An interesting theme has come out through my devotions this past week. Even more interesting in light of my blog being named "Random thoughts on the Path"! I memorized the 23rd Psalm and verse 3 says "He leads me in paths of righteousness". God has been faithful always to lead me. Unfortunately I have on more than a few occasions, taken my eyes off the path he has set for me. What follows is huge for me, "for his name's sake". The results of me leaving "the path" mean I have done something that can hurt His name. This is a motivating force in my life. I never want to hurt the name of Jesus Christ to those around me who see me leaving "the path". So often we hear of Christians whose example hurts the name of Christ to the world around us. I don't want to focus on what others do, or what I've done. I want to focus on "staying on the path"! Being critical of other followers is not where I want my focus to be. As a follower of Jesus I believe "the path" is obedience to God, and following His Word. I believe that path is set out for me via scripture, prayer, and sometimes other followers of Jesus. Proverbs 6 says "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make strait your paths". Psalms 119:105 reads "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path". As I navigate this often dark world, and even my own propensity to be discouraged, I am thankful that I can depend on God's leading. As I've read in Proverbs this week, in a number of places it says to "ponder the path". Webster's dictionary says the definition of ponder is "to reflect and consider with thoroughness and care, or to weigh in the mind with thoroughness and care". I like in scripture where it says in Luke 2 that after the birth of Jesus, and the visit from the Shepherds that "Mary treasured up all these things pondering them in her heart". So after my heart attack I have had lots of time to ponder "the path". In a world that has so many mixed messages, so many choices, so much information constantly barraging us, I am thankful for some time to ponder. I also hope that after my recovery when I'm back to "real life", that I continue to build margins into my life, for pondering the path. That I will build rhythms into my life that I am able to listen, love, and rest all in God's care, as well as to listen to and love those around me. That my "cup overflows" and my outward actions are a result of God's inward working. So how are you doing? Are you on the right path? Hope you'll consider spending some time pondering that question this week.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Mercy Now
As I reflect back on the last week of my life I have traveled through a range of emotions. The emotions I'm feeling tonight are probably not the ones I wanted to talk about first, but so be it. For those of you who don't know, I suffered a heart attack last Thursday. I had a heart cath on Friday, but there was to much work to do, so we did it again on Monday! My 4 major arteries into the heart were basically blocked. This past Monday I received 6 stents in the heart to get the blood flowing again! I could say this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it might be true physically, and yet I can say perhaps it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has caused me to stop, stop running, stop multi-tasking, stop pretending I had it all together. You see God had a plan. Through this suffering He has gained my attention. Since I am ordered to "rest and recuperation" by my Doctor for 3-4 weeks, it has provided me some amazing time to listen. I am so thankful for the mercy God has shown me in sparing my life, and giving me more time, I pray to glorify Him.
Three things at this point God has drawn my attention to, which I will try to flesh out more in the next few weeks.
1. God uses suffering to help mold us more into His image. As much as I dreaded suffering (especially physical), I can see so much positive about what has happened to me. Romans 5:3-5 is a verse I've used, taught, and spoken on, and yet for the first time I think I may be starting to truly understand suffering as it is used in this text.
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us"
So much more to say about this! I'll save it for the next post.
2. Prayer. I just recently completed a two year journey focusing on spiritual transformation, with the Transforming Community led by Ruth Haley Barton. God spoke to me a number of times about intimacy with Him. For some reason I didn't slow down enough to actually listen, and take in what the Alpha and Omega, the Truth and the Light, the creator of my soul was trying to say. He loves me, He is chasing after intimacy with me. He really loves me! I'm listening now, and that constant presence, and conversation with Him, I pray I will develop like never before.
3. Cynicism/Shame. In conversation with God, I have become aware of my falling into the trap of cynicism. I have been hurt so many times in my life. Hurt by those I most trusted. I don't think I can be hurt anymore. So I haven't trusted anybody. I have not trusted the goodwill of individuals or the goodwill of God. Life has been hard, and I've become detached. I don't remember the last time I really had true joy in my life. I've learned not to feel, because when I was in touch with my feelings, I couldn't take the hurt, and I couldn't handle the emotions that came with feeling. So I've not allowed myself to feel anymore. Somewhere in this whole mix is shame. I know that shame plays some big role in my personality. I've started reading Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly" and I've found it so helpful. All of this shame, and lack of vulnerability, I believe has so much to do with my past addictions. Anyways this one may take some time to work through.
I am so glad that God has given me the chance to "come clean" with Him. That He hasn't given up on me. I'm excited to see where this relationship will take me. I'm scared to be vulnerable, and writing this blog makes me very vulnerable! I once again have come to the point in my life where I can do nothing but cry out to my Savior. Abba Father, have mercy on me.
Two secular songs (don't be a hater) have helped me let out some emotions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT7NiFpJmvI Mary Gauthier sings of the mercy we all need.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT7NiFpJmvI I wish I would have posted this one first. This is Jeff Buckley's version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" a hauntingly beautiful song, that when in my occasional bouts of depression, speaks deeply to me. It is a "cold and broken world" but it is the reality of "fallen man". We struggle in this world, and that's part of the fall, but I am so excited that God is perfecting me and preparing me for eternal joy with Him. If I only listened to one, it would be this one.
1. God uses suffering to help mold us more into His image. As much as I dreaded suffering (especially physical), I can see so much positive about what has happened to me. Romans 5:3-5 is a verse I've used, taught, and spoken on, and yet for the first time I think I may be starting to truly understand suffering as it is used in this text.
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us"
So much more to say about this! I'll save it for the next post.
2. Prayer. I just recently completed a two year journey focusing on spiritual transformation, with the Transforming Community led by Ruth Haley Barton. God spoke to me a number of times about intimacy with Him. For some reason I didn't slow down enough to actually listen, and take in what the Alpha and Omega, the Truth and the Light, the creator of my soul was trying to say. He loves me, He is chasing after intimacy with me. He really loves me! I'm listening now, and that constant presence, and conversation with Him, I pray I will develop like never before.
3. Cynicism/Shame. In conversation with God, I have become aware of my falling into the trap of cynicism. I have been hurt so many times in my life. Hurt by those I most trusted. I don't think I can be hurt anymore. So I haven't trusted anybody. I have not trusted the goodwill of individuals or the goodwill of God. Life has been hard, and I've become detached. I don't remember the last time I really had true joy in my life. I've learned not to feel, because when I was in touch with my feelings, I couldn't take the hurt, and I couldn't handle the emotions that came with feeling. So I've not allowed myself to feel anymore. Somewhere in this whole mix is shame. I know that shame plays some big role in my personality. I've started reading Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly" and I've found it so helpful. All of this shame, and lack of vulnerability, I believe has so much to do with my past addictions. Anyways this one may take some time to work through.
I am so glad that God has given me the chance to "come clean" with Him. That He hasn't given up on me. I'm excited to see where this relationship will take me. I'm scared to be vulnerable, and writing this blog makes me very vulnerable! I once again have come to the point in my life where I can do nothing but cry out to my Savior. Abba Father, have mercy on me.
Two secular songs (don't be a hater) have helped me let out some emotions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT7NiFpJmvI Mary Gauthier sings of the mercy we all need.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT7NiFpJmvI I wish I would have posted this one first. This is Jeff Buckley's version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" a hauntingly beautiful song, that when in my occasional bouts of depression, speaks deeply to me. It is a "cold and broken world" but it is the reality of "fallen man". We struggle in this world, and that's part of the fall, but I am so excited that God is perfecting me and preparing me for eternal joy with Him. If I only listened to one, it would be this one.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The House is Quiet
Well the Christmas holidays are officially over for me, as I dropped my daughter off at the airport in Grand Rapids for her return to Los Angeles. She will now complete her final semester at Biola. Seems strange that it was over five years ago that she first went to Biola. Today's parting of the ways though was especially emotional for me. I remember when I was younger, having to say good bye was so hard on me and now it seems I have returned to that emotional state as I have gotten old! I remember my Grandma and how emotional she was when anyone would go away for an extended period of time. Have I turned into Grandma Gilmore!? I wonder why am I balling my eyes out as I return to the truck and the two hour drive home. It was a wonderful holidays with all five (minus 1)of my children being here, and all together at different times over the last few weeks. I miss my children and to have them hanging out in their old bedrooms was pretty cool! They were of course as messy, and their rooms were as dirty as the "old days"! There was alot of pressure as my wife, their stepmother wasn't quite so sentimental about the mess. I wonder if this too is one of the consequences of divorce. I was regularly put in the middle to make sure the kids picked up after themselves. I wonder what it is like when kids who are not products of divorce and step families experience is. Do Momma and Daddy just sit around and enjoy the fact that their children are home! Or is it the same tensions of getting the kids to keep their rooms clean and pick up after themselves! Everytime the holidays are here I again sense the devastation of divorce. How it impacts our children and changes dramatically our lives. I so understand why "God hates divorce".
I guess as I reflect on why I am so emotional about each time they leave these days, I wonder if it has to do with the brevity of life. At this point I just know that every visit is so meaningful for me. It is my brief and last opportunities to try and build into their lives, to try and let them know how much I love them, and try to encourage them toward a meaningful life with Jesus. I don't know how much time I have left in this life, and certainly some of the most valuable things of this life are my children. I just really love them and want them to be okay. It probably stems somewhat from the fact that I am very self-critical of my stewardship of these gifts that God gave me. I should have done a better job parenting. I never understood before how incredibly hard it was to be a single parent. And especially with Tiffany, and Kyle, and certainly Madison who we have adopted, I won't be there for large portions of their life since I was older when they were born. I have to, as I should every thing, give them to the Father. Trust Him to take care of them. So every visit now is so valuable, and yet I worry how many more visits will I have with my kids. Pretty depressing stuff, perhaps the result of being in the third month of grey skies in Michigan!! Anyways, God thank you for my children, and may I show them your love which is perfect, every chance I can. May they forgive me for all the things I did wrong in raising them, and remember the really awesome times we had! This blog entry was actually written in December of 2012. I just realized it hadn't been published, and so I am doing so now!
I guess as I reflect on why I am so emotional about each time they leave these days, I wonder if it has to do with the brevity of life. At this point I just know that every visit is so meaningful for me. It is my brief and last opportunities to try and build into their lives, to try and let them know how much I love them, and try to encourage them toward a meaningful life with Jesus. I don't know how much time I have left in this life, and certainly some of the most valuable things of this life are my children. I just really love them and want them to be okay. It probably stems somewhat from the fact that I am very self-critical of my stewardship of these gifts that God gave me. I should have done a better job parenting. I never understood before how incredibly hard it was to be a single parent. And especially with Tiffany, and Kyle, and certainly Madison who we have adopted, I won't be there for large portions of their life since I was older when they were born. I have to, as I should every thing, give them to the Father. Trust Him to take care of them. So every visit now is so valuable, and yet I worry how many more visits will I have with my kids. Pretty depressing stuff, perhaps the result of being in the third month of grey skies in Michigan!! Anyways, God thank you for my children, and may I show them your love which is perfect, every chance I can. May they forgive me for all the things I did wrong in raising them, and remember the really awesome times we had! This blog entry was actually written in December of 2012. I just realized it hadn't been published, and so I am doing so now!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Haiti!
Been reflecting alot recently about my upcoming trip to Haiti. Recently I shared from the Word with my traveling companions to Haiti, about spiritual preparation for the trip. I need to take seriously the message God gave to me to share with them! As I think about that, it's funny how God works. Really that devotional was for me. I am the one who really needs to start preparing spiritually for this mission trip! It has really just been in the back of my mind that I'm going to Haiti in July! Now it's getting close, I believe less then 30 days! The words God gave me were from Acts 13 as the Church prepared to send Paul on his first missionary journey. They were committed to fasting and praying. What can I begin to fast from in these next 30 days. I need to consistently include the trip, and what God will desire in my time there in my prayers. I love Haiti, at least I think I do! I remember my first exposure to Haiti was the Tony Campolo commercial where a mother is desperately trying to give Tony her hungry child as he is leaving in a Helicopter. I remember being moved with compassion for that country. God has also given me a wonderful Haitian friend, and I thought that God would send me to Haiti somehow with my friend.
I'm also melancholy about Haiti. There are so many people trying to help Haiti right now, do they really need me? So much money has been spent and yet Haiti seems to be struggling more then ever. What is the answer, and does it have anything to do with me? Over 230,000 people died in the earthquake that struck Haiti. I can't even comprehend that. 80% of the population lives on less then $2 a day. Over 5,000 additonal people have died from cholera in the last 6 months. How can I help? I think this trip inspite of all that, is in large measure God working in my life more then my helping in Haiti. God calls me to love and serve the Church we will be "helping". I am called to humble myself, and in humility serve some brothers and sisters in Christ who I don't know. Even though I didn't want it to happen, living in a rural and predominantly white community, has kept me from being exposed to the world community I once so loved. I look forward to the challenges, and joys of serving on a multi racial team! Even as I listened to my brother in Christ share from the Word, I thought how unique and different his style is from what I've heard for the last 12 years of my life. I want to rejoice in that. So as I think about why God would send me to Haiti in the summer of 2011, I'm not convinced it is so much to help Haiti, as it is for Haiti to help me! I pray that as I live, work, and share with 13 other folks from all walks of life, that God blesses me, and helps me to humbly love them. I pray that our love for one another will point to Jesus, the one we desire to make famous. I pray that same prayer for the folks in Haiti who we will work beside, and serve. I do pray that we will spread the seed of the gospel in Haiti during our one week there! I know that it will be God who causes those seeds to grow, and to multiply. I pray that I can rest in this assurance, and know it is only my job to love those who cross my path during that God ordained week! So even as I experience the discomfort on my arms from the vaccinations I just got, may I be prepared to experience discomfort, and may that discomfort cause me to display the fruits of the Spirit. I love Haiti because God loves Haiti, and I'm excited to see what the people I serve in Haiti have to teach me about the love of Christ. I'm also praying for unity for a team of 14 very unique individuals, that we may grow in our love for God, and for each other, as we experience Haiti together!
I'm also melancholy about Haiti. There are so many people trying to help Haiti right now, do they really need me? So much money has been spent and yet Haiti seems to be struggling more then ever. What is the answer, and does it have anything to do with me? Over 230,000 people died in the earthquake that struck Haiti. I can't even comprehend that. 80% of the population lives on less then $2 a day. Over 5,000 additonal people have died from cholera in the last 6 months. How can I help? I think this trip inspite of all that, is in large measure God working in my life more then my helping in Haiti. God calls me to love and serve the Church we will be "helping". I am called to humble myself, and in humility serve some brothers and sisters in Christ who I don't know. Even though I didn't want it to happen, living in a rural and predominantly white community, has kept me from being exposed to the world community I once so loved. I look forward to the challenges, and joys of serving on a multi racial team! Even as I listened to my brother in Christ share from the Word, I thought how unique and different his style is from what I've heard for the last 12 years of my life. I want to rejoice in that. So as I think about why God would send me to Haiti in the summer of 2011, I'm not convinced it is so much to help Haiti, as it is for Haiti to help me! I pray that as I live, work, and share with 13 other folks from all walks of life, that God blesses me, and helps me to humbly love them. I pray that our love for one another will point to Jesus, the one we desire to make famous. I pray that same prayer for the folks in Haiti who we will work beside, and serve. I do pray that we will spread the seed of the gospel in Haiti during our one week there! I know that it will be God who causes those seeds to grow, and to multiply. I pray that I can rest in this assurance, and know it is only my job to love those who cross my path during that God ordained week! So even as I experience the discomfort on my arms from the vaccinations I just got, may I be prepared to experience discomfort, and may that discomfort cause me to display the fruits of the Spirit. I love Haiti because God loves Haiti, and I'm excited to see what the people I serve in Haiti have to teach me about the love of Christ. I'm also praying for unity for a team of 14 very unique individuals, that we may grow in our love for God, and for each other, as we experience Haiti together!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I LOVE LA
Just returned from Los Angeles to spend a few days with my daughter. It was a really great time. It wasn't perfect as we still have communication problems. She goes to a prestigious school, is 21 and thinks she knows it all! I have a hard time keeping my opinions to myself and have a tendency to want to "over manage" her life!
Anyways for the most part it was a really nice visit. I miss her tremendously. She has been in LA for almost 4 years now and this was the first summer she didn't come home. I pretty much raised her and my youngest son by myself. It was tough for all of us after their mother left, but I was so thankful I had the opportunity. Her brother graduated from high school this year and has moved out and is now going to college himself. It's really hard sometimes having invested so much of my time and passion into raising them, and then having to release them!! Well anyways the week in LA was fun. We went to a Phil Wickham concert and it was amazing. I have never been a huge fan of christian music, but this concert was really amazing for me. It was so moving to sit in a crowd of around 500 mostly young people who were worshipping the Lord. Got to attend a chapel at the university, and went to her church New City Church which was really nice. So I just need to be thankful for how's she's doing. At 21, she is far far ahead of where I was at that age. I remember dropping her off her freshman year and having communion the night I departed the campus. I received a clear message from God that night that she would be okay and I didn't need to worry, so I guess I just need to trust that and not start worrying to much now! It was alot of fun to just have dinner with her and hang out in my hotel room. God bless you girl! Daddy loves you!
Anyways for the most part it was a really nice visit. I miss her tremendously. She has been in LA for almost 4 years now and this was the first summer she didn't come home. I pretty much raised her and my youngest son by myself. It was tough for all of us after their mother left, but I was so thankful I had the opportunity. Her brother graduated from high school this year and has moved out and is now going to college himself. It's really hard sometimes having invested so much of my time and passion into raising them, and then having to release them!! Well anyways the week in LA was fun. We went to a Phil Wickham concert and it was amazing. I have never been a huge fan of christian music, but this concert was really amazing for me. It was so moving to sit in a crowd of around 500 mostly young people who were worshipping the Lord. Got to attend a chapel at the university, and went to her church New City Church which was really nice. So I just need to be thankful for how's she's doing. At 21, she is far far ahead of where I was at that age. I remember dropping her off her freshman year and having communion the night I departed the campus. I received a clear message from God that night that she would be okay and I didn't need to worry, so I guess I just need to trust that and not start worrying to much now! It was alot of fun to just have dinner with her and hang out in my hotel room. God bless you girl! Daddy loves you!
Friday, July 3, 2009
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